nocintage blog

Ladies Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind

menlody — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:01:23 +0000

According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on their mates. What type of man is most likely to cheat? Ruth Houston, infidelity expert and author of “Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs” says, “Some men are more likely to cheat than others. You can tell by looking at certain things in their background, their past history, or certain character traits.”
What about the man in your life? Is your valentine the cheating kind? Houston says the following questions will help you rate your mate to see if he’s a potential cheater.

Has he cheated in any of his past relationships?
Does he have a parent who cheated?
Does he believe in monogamy?
Does he have male friends who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends?
Does he have a lot of female friends?
Does he thrive on adventure?
Has he had a great deal of sexual experience prior to your relationship?

Generally speaking, the more “yes” answers, the greater the likelihood that he will cheat. But some answers carry more weight than others. To find out what your answers mean and see if you’re dealing with a POTENTIAL CHEATER, a COMMON “GARDEN VARIETY” CHEATER, an EXPERIENCED CHEATER, or a HARD-CORE CHEATER visit www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com
“Even you only have one ‘yes’, Houston warns,” there’s still cause for concern. But there are certain precautions you can take. To get a FREE Tip Sheet titled “How to Handle a Potential Cheater.” send an e-mail to: cheatinginfo@aol.com and place the words “Potential Cheater Tip Sheet” in the subject line.
andcopy; Ruth Houston 2004

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The Essence Of Infidelity

menlody — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 21:17:23 +0000

Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This is a shocking statistic! What happens between the time the marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating? It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of the people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love triangle.
I decided to tackle unearthing the real truth about how and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other’s philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.
Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.
I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of “in love” creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever “it” is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction” which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So here’s what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of “in love” that everyone marries into will disintegrate.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.
The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.
What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?

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Simple Indulgences For September

menlody — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 07:36:23 +0000

As the kids go back to school, you can go back to *you*…your schedule, your friends, your goals. Here are ten simple indulgences to celebrate this season.
1. Invite your girlfriends over for a Back-to-School tea. Have lots of “pamper me” items in hand. Do you - or any of your friends - know a massage therapist? Ask her to come and do backrubs. Eat decadent pastries and drink coffee or tea. Catch up on everything you’ve missed during the hectic summer.
2. Go on a hike or a bike ride all by yourself.
3. Start a circle journal to keep in touch with your friends. A circle journal (aka. “a round robin”) is a book that goes back and forth among friends, each of whom add a special contribution before passing it on. Here are more ideas on how to start your own: http://www.creatingkeepsakes.com/mag/articles/article.1002.p1.html
4. Treat yourself to a new magazine subscription.
5. Buy something red.
6. What are you most passionate about? Start a home business that somehow relates to this passion. Autumn is a great time of year to get a business started. The kids are back to school and it’s before the hustle of the holidays.
7. Find or start a book club.
8. Make a brag book or mini scrapbook album depicting 10 things you love most about your spouse or child(ren). Present it to them as a “just because” gift.
9. Choose a charity that you and your family will support this season. Researching the charity will be a fun family activity - and then you can brainstorm all the ways you can raise money for this organization.
10. Know a good soup restaurant? Order takeout tonight. And don’t forget the fresh bread!

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Questions And Answers For Young Moms Part Iii

menlody — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:13:23 +0000

Questions and Answers for Young Moms (Part III)
HUSBANDS
3a. What do I do when I have no desire and less energy than desire to have sex with my husband?
A–I have to admit the first few things that I thought of were… “If your best girl-friend in the whole world called you when you were tired and she NEEDED TO TALK, would you tell her that you were too tired or would you somehow muster up the energy to listen and perhaps even be “energized” by being emotionally available to your friend in her time of need?????”
Or, if your child were ill or wet the bed or threw up would you say, “I’m so sorry honey, Mommy is just too tired to be there for you right now !!!!!!!”?
Don’t get me wrong, when kids are young and a mom goes without sleep… or when a mom is fatigued, of course there will be times when a wife does not want to be physically intimate with their husband. There will be times when a wife/mom justs says that she is too exhausted. There could also be times when it is a good and right choice to be available to one’s husband to meet his sexual needs.
God designed sex for both male and female to enjoy, initiate and participate in. We are sexual beings with natural, God-given sex drives. It is a good, right, natural and Godly phenomenon. Sex in marriage serves several purposes: 1) it is like an “emotional glue” that holds the relationship together through difficult times (money, kids, sickness, in-laws, career, etc); 2) it is a physically pleasurable experience (and even after years of marriage you will still be learning new ways to satisfy one another); 3) it is a physical expression of “oneness” with one’s spouse (in the same way that all Christians become identified with Jesus Christ and we are His bride in the spiritual realm and experience oneness with Him.)
Do wives have the option to decline? Of course they do. Do our husbands have that same option? Of course they do. (However, when you hit your 50s and the male sex drive lessens and yours is increasing or maintaining, it can be / will be pretty interesting…and possibly humorous to wake them up in the middle of the night and say…”honey, I can’t sleep…….)
God designed sex for the good of the marital relationship. Satan is out to destroy all that is good…especially the marriage relationship. He will use any means possible to accomplish his schemes. Satan loves it when a wife becomes disappointed with a husband or with some aspect of her marriage. Satan hopes that wives will become so disappointed and discontent that they will begin to be critical and contemptuous toward their husbands.
However, we need to be very, very careful not to use sex as a way to gain power or control over our husbands. … Do not withhold sexual intimacy because you are mad or disappointed with him for some reason. Often, sexual intimacy is the strongest “love language” for the men in our culture. How would you feel if your husband said that for a few months he was not going to get you any gifts, dinners, movies, cards, hugs, kisses, acts of service or time spent together because he was disappointed with you and he was going to withhold these “love languages” of yours from you? (yet,Do you have the right to say, “no?” Of course, you do.)
Another thing to think about it is… would you want to create an environment where your husband is vulnerable to the scores of unmarried women (or unhappily married women) he works with who would love steal your husband from you?
The Bible does make allowance for times when there is a cessation of sexual relations with one’s spouse. Also, if your spouse is abusive or there are other extenuating circumstances…these factors will need to be considered.
3b. What can I do to help the self-esteem of my husband in a godly and appropriate way?
A– First, I would want to ask you are you doing anything to undermine your husband’s self-esteem? Our guys are designed to need respect. We are designed to need their love. We need to be aware of ways that we undermine our husbands. (Ask yourself, “Do I undermine his leadership? Do I belittle his opinions? Do I disregard him or even disrespect him? ” )
Secondly, I want to point out that our culture has made a major shift in its attitude toward men (and women) in the last 20 years. Historically, we have been a male dominated/directed society. About 20 years ago, federal laws were passed which were aimed at creating greater equity and parity for boys and girls (men and women) in lower, middle, secondary schools and at the college level as well. Equity was needed.
However, today I am concerned that we have over compensated. Our culture is so PRO-FEMALE that today men are commonly portrayed as stupid slugs who are incapable of being intelligent husbands, fathers, leaders, etc. (Case in point, notice how men are portrayed in TV commercials and on sit-coms. Another fact that I recently read is that more women are going to college than men.” As a Christian woman and as a mother of two young men, this is troubling to me.
We need to be aware of the schemes of the devil. He wants to destroy us. He wants to destroy our culture, our faith, our familes, our marriages, our perceptions of who God is and what God’s designs are for every aspect of life. We need to be sober and alert.
I want every person who reads this to think about whether there are any ways that you are knowingly or unknowingly undermining the self-esteem of your husband. Do you always think that your ways are better than his. Do you believe that he is inept when it comes to the kids or finances. Do you act in ways that reveal your respect for your husband and the unique gifts, talents, problem-solving abilities and life experiences to work in tandem with your unique gifts, talents, problem-solving abilities and life experiences so that you both “act as one” in Christ. Ecces. says that “two are better than one for you have a better return for your labor…”
So…to answer the question, we, as wives, want to be looking for ways to build up our husbands. (Not flattery or false praise but to sincerely reinforce the ways we appreciate and value who our husbands are and what they uniquely bring to us. In Christ we are not less than our husbands in any way. God established a hierarchy in the family to cut down on chaos. (In Christ, there is no male nor female, Jew or Greek, slave or freeman… — God values women. God treats women with dignity. )
3c. What defines being unfaithful in marriage? (obviously physical intimacy with someone else but what about emotional intimacy or pornography?)
A–There are a lot of ways one can be unfaithful. (However, remember, when we read Isaiah and Jeremiah we see how easy it is for humans to be UNFAITHFUL to God. We can read about how Peter denied Jesus to see that … when we seek after other gods; when we deny Jesus; or when we try to find life apart from God… we are demonstrating that the principle of sin … specifically manifested in “being unfaithful” indwells us all.)
We can be “unfaithful” in many ways:
- in our affections (toward any one…)
- with our time
- in how we focus our attention
- when we lust in our hearts
- in how we look to other people to meet our emotional needs
- when we break our marriage vows
Note: as a counselor, I also see how pornography can actually be a type of “sexual addition” which means it is in the family of addictive behavior. I would want to discuss this and share some more information about sex and sexual addictions if anyone would like to understand this disorder more fully.
3d. My husband’s parents were older when they had children and because of their age they weren’t very “involved” parents when he was growing up. Now I’m starting to see my husband having some of the same tendencies. How do men learn how to be Dads if their Dad wasn’t a very good one? And how do I approach this topic with my husband without him feeling hurt?
A–There is no perfect prescribed pattern which must be followed by every Christian family. There are many ways that God can lead families. Each can have unique roles and rules. However, Christians love to be able to follow “checklists” in our approaches to having a quiet time, raising kids, church doctrines. Yet, we need to be careful about buying into the current Christian philosophy of … “it has to look like this” for us to prove to God, ourselves and our other Christian friends that we really are “real” Christians … who are rearing “real” Christian children. The older I get and the older my children get, I realize how much pressure Christian parents put on themselves to rear perfect children which, when you think about it…is a truly impossible task.
Your husband’s approach may be based on what his parents did. However, his views may be based on his personal temperament (i.e, is he a really laid back guy?) His lack of involvement could be because he is depressed or just plain stressed about work and being a good provider for the family. He may just have a different view point. He may believe that too much of today’s world in the U.S. culture is based on our children and their schedules and afterschool activities.
I think I would ask… what do couples do when their views and values differ about the kids, finances, sex, home maintenance do not line up? Do you try to meet each other in the middle or dialogue about your differences? This process is not a perfect process. Oneness in marriage takes a long time in some cases.
I think that God wants us to accept where another person “is” and then, pray that if God wants to change that person or modify that person’s values that He will do it. Our job is to pray for ourselves to make sure that our hearts are in a Godly / right place. We need to lead or interact with each other with love toward the other person and obedience to God about intentionally loving that other person. We can “ask” another person to agree with, go along with, and/or share our values and goals but we can not make another person change. The interesting thing, if not ironic truth, is that when people are loved and accepted where they are, they tend to be open to the ideas of others and more willing to change. (Go figure!)
In our “human ways”, we tend to want to make another person do what we want or what we think is “right”. We are prideful and judgmental and controlling and manipulative. We are not necessarily “mean” about it. It is just some of the ways we have learned to make life work and to get our needs and desires met. It just isn’t always the most productive way to do it nor is it God’s way. I think that we can ask a person to think about what we value and what we desire, but the bottom line is we need to accept them where they are. We can ask our husbands to go with us to the game or practice. We could tell them that we miss them when they are not there. We could report to them or the child could report to them that it is neat when dad is there.
However, I don’t think God approves of manipulation of any kind. Usually, when one manipulated they back away from us and from being open to our ideas and desires. Open discussions and/or Inviting others to join us is better than manipulating, judging, or trying heavy persuasion or control tactics. (Plus, if our ways or ideas are so fabulous, why on earth would we even need to manipulate or cajole others into doing what we want. Doesn’t TRUTH speak for itself?)
3e. At the end of the day, I am exhausted from being at home with my kids and managing all that goes along with being a stay-at-home mom. When my husband comes home, he sees and feels my frustration and thinks that I am not happy. How do I help him understand that just because I’m sick of picking up toys for the 1000th time or cleaning up tee-tee off the floor for the 4th time that day that it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the life he is providing for me and my children…it’s just that I’ve been at home with 3 young children for the whole day and need a break?
A–The most obvious answer is for you to consistently reassure him that you are indeed happy with the life you guys have. You love him, you love your kids, you love your life. Explain that when kids are “little” there are a lot of demands that just are not fun. Cleaning up spilled milk or fruit juice or urine isn’t on any one’s top five list of things to do for that today. You know what I mean!
However, there are some instrinsicly beautiful things about being the mom of young children. The way they look at you (when they are happy). How cute they are to look at (especially when they are sleeping…). They way they can so easily tell us they love us. They way they hug us and want to help us when they see that we are struggling or upset. (”It’s ok mommy. I love you… ” type of momemts.)
The truth is, at every stage of life there are some really good things about that particular stage and there are some hard things. When kids are young, it is physically demanding. When kids are teenagers and driving the car and leaving your physical presence, it is nerve racking. The same could be said about every stage in marriage for that matter. At each stage we just need to focus more on the positive aspects of that particular time in our lives than we do the negative, demanding aspects of them.
I would ask you a couple of questions. Are you presenting the difficulties of the day with your young kids as a means of getting your husbands attention or even possibly sympathy? You would not consciously be doing this most probably. But if you look deeply inside your soul and ask if you are part of the reason why your husband is so distraught about your situation, then, you could go about getting your needs met in a more positive way. Ponder this. God will show you and confirm it to you.
Another question I’d like to ask is… Is your husband taking too much responsibility for the quality of your life? Is he owning your sense of well-being? Is he thinking that he could or should be making your life better somehow? He could be a little “co-dependent” about your life and that he is to blame for you not doing well. This could be something that you guys could talk about. Reassure your husband that you are responsible for you personal sense of well-being. If you are happy, it is because of how you choose to think, and act, and feel and how you choose to assess/see your life. If you are depressed and miserable… you need to take responsibilty for the quality of your life. (Of course, we can be sad or anxious because of brain chemistry but a lot of our quality of life is because of the perspective we have about things. Just food for thought.)
3f. Where is the line between venting to a friend because you’re upset with your husband and being a “grumbling or nagging wife”?
A–I was with a friend recently and when she started talking about an issue with her husband, she was very, very careful to not put her husband in a “bad” light. She was quite intentional about protecting him and his reputation in my presence. I liked how she handled herself.
I’ve been around other women/wives who bashed their husbands so much that one could grow to see their husbands in a negative light. That “negative light” perspective can get so strong that it can become difficult for one to shake that perception of the person being talked about.
I think that it is good to have at least one person with whom you can be totally honest with about the difficulties you have with a spouse. However, we do need to be careful not to go too far.
This is one of those times when I would go to God. I would ask the Father if He believes that you have grumbled too much or if you have nagged too much or if you have disclosed too much to your friends. God will convict you. Evaluate or assess how your friends are seeing your spouse. If they are still thinking badly of him even after you and he have resolved your issue, then perhaps, you did go too far in “bashing” him. If the Lord does convict you about this, you will be able to make an adjustment.
3g. My husband has a female co-worker who likes to discuss boyfriend problems with him. She seems to find comfort in discussing personal things with him. I feel uncomfortable with this but my husband thinks I just don’t trust him. My parents are divorced so my husband thinks that I’m too worried the same thing could happen to us. Am I wrong to be concerned about this?
A–First, I really would like to know a little more information on this one. However, if I take the question purely at face value, the following thoughts come to mind.
Generally, it is not a good idea for opposite sex co-workers (or even same sex co-workers … for that matter) to share tons and tons of personal information with each other at work. It is not professional. People go to “work” to “work”. (However, it will carry very little weight if you walk up to anyone and say, “Well, Murphy Toerner said that…” So, we don’t want to just resort to that as our reason for not doing something.
I’m wondering:
- is your husband easy to talk with
- he is “wise”…does he generally give good counsel
- does he feel valued or needed in this situation
- is he a spiritual person who wants to share God’s perspectives on things
- is he naive
- is he absolutely devoted to you and keeping his commitment to you in marriage
- is he a flirt
- is this other woman a flirt
- are you insecure
- are you jealous
- do you have a history of “over-reacting”
- has he engaged in this type of dynamic before
- has he ever given you “hard evidence” reasons to doubt his fidelity
- does he minimize your perspectives on things
- if you communicate your concerns, does he usually give heed to them and value them and change accordingly
I know in my own marriage and in my own life, God often wants me to examine myself. Sometimes I can be insecure because deep down I am or at least I can operate out of old insecure feelings. I would want to ask you, are you willing to LOOK at yourself? Is your husband willing to LOOK at himself?
In my marriage, my husband will usually listen to my thoughts and opinions. When I am concerned and/or afraid he usually is responsive to me even when he does not fully agree with how I am feeling or how I am thinking.
From your husband’s point of view, if he sincerely believes that NOTHING is going on here and that he has done absolutely NOTHING wrong, he will not understand what you are thinking and feeling (concerning his talking with the femail co-worker). If he is feeling valued in this situation at work, he probably will not be that willing to change things because it is a source of good feelings for him.
The truth is…we don’t know if something inappropriate is going on. We just know that there is a potential for something to happen here if they are not “sober and alert”. One thing that I would do, if I were you. I would be very intentional about showing my husband how much “I” value him. Show him that he is important to me and our family. I would want to try to meet any needs that I can at home so he may not be as susceptible to the emotional needs or manipulations of other women (anywhere in his life.)

Technorati tags: husband just think person life

Meet Men This Weekend

menlody — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 05:01:23 +0000

What are you doing this Saturday night? If you want to meet a man, you have to leave the house. You must get out among the living. Prince Charming is not going to climb through your window to watch SNL with you.
Grab a friend and head to your nearest coffee house. Most feature live music on weekends. Hang out. If you don’t have a friend, go anyway. Order a cup of coffee in a to-go cup and then stick around.
If there’s a seat at an empty table, take it. As the place fills up, somebody will probably ask you if they can drag off the other chair. Smile and say, “Sure.” If anyone asks what you’re doing out alone, just say you popped in for a quick cup of coffee but the music was so captivating you decided to stay. Look approachable.
Pull your shoulders back. Relax your jaw. Keep your eyes on the band. The great thing about getting out by yourself is that men are more likely to be comfortable talking to you. Face it; they’re human, too, and the idea of walking up to a woman surrounded by a pack of friends is intimidating.
If you find the idea of hanging out by yourself utterly appalling, take the pressure off by heading to your nearest bookstore cafe. Nothing weird about going to a bookstore on your own, is there? Dress attractively, and you’ll look cute and smart. Besides, that book in your hand just may prompt a fetching guy to start a conversation.
Sure, it is a bit scary to put yourself in new and uncomfortable situations, but getting out of the house is the ticket to meeting new men and getting dates.
Meeting new men is the ticket to meeting (and getting married to) a man who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

Technorati tags: getting coffee yourself meeting doing

Mom Do You Want More Me Time

menlody — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:31:23 +0000

Let’s see. You did the laundry, dropped the boys off at Karate and the girls at dance class, stopped at the grocery store for a few last minute dinner items…What’s missing? As you were taking care of everyone else all day long, did you remember to take care of yourself? I know it can be hard to carve out space for you, since being a mom is a full time job, but taking care of yourself helps you have the strength and energy to keep taking care of everyone else, from your children to the snake your son left in the pocket of his dirty jeans.
If trying to squeeze out a few more hours a day just for you seems impossible, why not try one of these ideas:
1. Don’t be afraid to start small. It’s better for you to take five minutes to read the funny pages or your favorite inspirational poem than it is to not take any time at all for you.
2. Get up twenty or thirty minutes earlier than usual and spend some time doing something you enjoy, such as reading the paper while you sip your coffee or meditating. By the time the children wake up, you will be ready to start your busy day.
3. Talk to the other moms at your children’s classes and find out if any of them live nearby. See if several of them are interested in forming a carpool, so you don’t have to make every trip to drop off and pick up the kids.
4. Find another mom who has children that get along well with your kids. Alternate babysitting services with her, so that you each have a few hours of free time every week to go to the gym or get your hair done. Don’t be tempted to do chores instead. You need this time for you and you won’t feel very rested and refreshed if you pick up the dry cleaning, do the grocery shopping, and run the car through the car wash instead of relaxing.
5. Delegate evening chores like setting the table, washing the dishes, and packing the next day’s lunch. If everyone does ten or fifteen minutes of work, you will have enough free time to soak in the tub or read a chapter of the newest best seller.
6. If you cook all of your family’s evening meals and always pack lunch for your children, don’t be afraid to give yourself a break once a week. Pizza every night may be unhealthy, but an occasional slice isn’t too unhealthy for the kids. Eating the occasional school lunch can actually be a fun treat for children, even if it doesn’t taste that great.
Finally, make sure your family realizes the importance of letting you find some time for yourself. Speak with your children about respecting your quiet time, whenever and however you manage to fit it into your day.

Technorati tags: time children care dont taking

Single Women Are Hot

menlody — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 02:32:23 +0000

Just when businesses and advertisers think they have women all figured out enters a new category with serious buying power: the single woman. It is projected that in 2005 single women will spend $400 million dollars which has the business world standing up and taking notice.
There use to be a time when single women were treated like outcasts and looked on with pity. Unmarried women were secretly called “spinsters” by friends and family if they were not wed by the time they hit 30. The tide is beginning to turn as single women send out the message that they can do for themselves.
Businesses as well as politicians are now checking in to see what makes single women tick. The census data shows that 40% of women between the ages of 25 to 29 are not married. While 23% of women in the 30 to 34 age rage are not married. One can only guess that the percent of single women over 30 will grow due to the fact that more women are stating that marriage is not of interest to them. The messages coming from single women are diverse from choosing the single life as the preferred lifestyle, choosing career over marriage first, to one person homeownership.
Single women are beginning to take the country by storm, even on the top hit show “Desperate Housewives” half of the characters are single. Advertising companies are beginning to get it when it comes appealing to the single woman. One commercial has two women who are sitting down after a wedding doing a high five for having “not” caught the bridal bouquet. This message says that businesses are seeing that single women are a viable market. That is girl power that is about to be in full effect.

Technorati tags: women single businesses beginning woman.

Are Women Really Superior To Men

menlody — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:54:23 +0000

While doing my search for this idea, I came across something interesting on the web. At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and serious.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said, “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile; avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more expensive?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”
Keeping all kidding aside, let’s answer this age old question; evaluate what we know up to this point, scientifically as well as culturally. Are women really superior to men?
Now research is confirming that the brains of men and women are somewhat different. Studies show that human male brains are, on average, approximately 10 percent larger than female brains. Certain brain areas in women, however, contain more nerve cells.
We must pay special interest on the amount of “gray matter,” the part of the brain that allows us to think. The researchers wanted to know if women have as much gray matter as men or more to make up for the smaller brains. Later, it was proven that women have 55.4 percent gray matter, vs. 50.8 in men.
Men listen with only one side of their brains, while women use both, according to information on brain imaging presented in November 2002, at the 86th Scientific Assembly and Annual Meeting of the Radiological Society of North America (RSNA).
Other research suggests that on average the female brain performs better on some skills, while the male brain executes other tasks at a higher level.
It makes sense that brains vary between the sexes. Each sex had a very defined role in ancient time, which helped ensure the survival of the human race. Cave men hunted. Cave women gathered food near the home, and cared for the children.
None of these show superiority, but does show that we are made differently, with different needs, and different ideas. Why do we then compare for superiority, or even expect the other to be just like us?
It is important to realize that man and women are made differently, for a reason. Especially women, need someone she can talk to, share her ideas with and grow with. Man need to hunt, to protect, not ask for directions when they are lost, or I should say just be Men.
In old times, especially in Asian and Eastern cultures, women had many disadvantages (compared to now). Male Emperors would marry many women. Society did not provide woman with many rights. Women were pretty much confined to their homes. However, despite of these disadvantages, there were few women who had access to that woman wisdom, or power. Now, what was the difference between those women, who found their power, vs. those who did not?
The answer is synergy. These powerful women were each other’s support. No jealousies, no putting other women down; just supporting each other to the best of their ability. In fact, when the male emperor would mate with one of his wives, other wives would take care of that wife ahead of time. Give her massages, feed her wonderful and healthy foods, talk to her, and provide her with all the emotional support that was needed.
Today, women have more rights, more freedom, better living conditions. They are lot more aggressive, but they still do not feel as empowered, peaceful and in control.
In today’s society, the concept of women bonding is pretty much lost. Even when a woman goes to different feminine organizations, her goal is networking, improving her business, and benefiting anything and everything, but herself.
If you pay close attention and realize that the difference between a plant, which is alive, and a plant which is dead, is the plant which is alive, is growing. In order for our children to survive, and humankind to flourish in the future, our children must evolve beyond us. In order for them to go beyond us, they need to understand life from all points of view, both male and female. That is why we are here, to teach, to guide, and to help the universe expand and evolve with our differences.
One day I was flipping TV channels where I came across one of those shows where a priest was giving a sermon. He asked something very interesting to his congregations. The question was, “What is the best thing a father can do for their children”? The answer was “Love their mother”. Now this is something I have learned all through my life in my family as to how much powerful a woman can be. I do not mean physically or even mentally. In fact, I grew up learning that my brothers were much smarter and stronger then I was. But there was always this converse of women power or women wisdom, which was always talked about, but was never clarified.
Many women do not realize that their superiority and strength comes from bonding with other women. Man can’t full fill all of your needs and desires. When it comes to emotional bonding, which usually comes from talking, sharing and connecting, girlfriends are the key. Cherish your friends, and specially your women friendships.
Both Man and woman need to be supportive and a source of strength for each other, but timing is the key. Women who have other women to bond with, to share with, to educate and grow with, have more peaceful marriages. These women do not desire to talk to their husbands as soon as he walks into the home, tired from work. In fact, they become source of strength and support for him.
More then half of the marriages end up in divorce in this country. Some time it feels that all the advancement are coming to us with a hefty price. More and more women find themselves helpless, in one form or the other. All it boils down to is that all the power and freedom did not come with the wisdom it required. Woman before us got us the power to move forward, now, it is our responsibility to add wisdom to this power before passing on to our next generation.
The difference between man and women are logical. It makes sense that brains vary between the sexes. Men tend to be more natural-born protectors while women are natural-born nurturers. When women use these natural abilities to form, cultivate, and foster business relationships, they can create lasting business associations in the business circle.
To answer the question, are women superior to men? The answer is, it does not really matter, if we choose not to use that power and wisdom already given to us. From the beginning of the time, only a handful of women are using their full power and wisdom. They understand, and choose to learn and choose to use their strengths. Whether you are a at-home mom or a working women, understanding and connecting with other woman, educating ourselves and truly supporting each other, will help us be who we naturally are, phenomenal women.

Technorati tags: women brain much male woman

What Exactly Is Jojoba Oil And Why Is It Used So Much In Skin Care Products

menlody — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:29:23 +0000

Back in 1822, a small shrub was discovered in the desert near Baja California by a botanist named H. F. Link. Mr. Link named this new plant after a fellow botanist from the U.K. named T. W. Simmonds. The proper named of the Jojoba plant is Simmondsia chinensis. It wasn’t until after the U.S. banned whale hunting that this plant started to be cultivated. Up until then, the oil of whales was used in skin care products and cosmetics. After the ban, much research was done to find more suitable replacements for the skin and hair care industries.
The Jojoba plant produces a bean pod and it was discovered that heating the beans caused an oil to be secreted. The desert peoples of Southern California and Mexico had long been using this oil to treat skin conditions and cuts. The Japanese did some research on Jojoba oil and found it to be nontoxic to the human skin. In addition, soon it was known the amazing properties of this oil.
Jojoba oil is actually a wax that is liquid at room temperatures. The ‘oil’ has similar chemical makeup to the sebum oil that our skin produces naturally. In fact, it is one of the most easily absorbed vegetable oils available today. Because of this, it was soon used to produce all kinds of hair and skin care products.
The oil is wonderful for people who suffer from sensitive skin conditions, including psoriasis and eczema. It helps soften your skin and when applied to your hair will increase its shine. It is also known to help reduce wrinkles and other lines associated with aging. In addition, it helps promote the growth of new skin cells. It even has some anti-bacterial qualities too.
Because of these amazing properties, there is no wonder it is being used in the manufacturing of all kinds of hair products, replenishing skin care products, wrinkle reduction treatments, acne control products and even cosmetics. You can find the oil for sale individually too. A 4 oz bottle can be purchased for as little as $8 and can be used to make your own moisturizing cream at home.
Take your favorite essential oil, such as lavender, and add 40 to 50 drops to a 4 oz bottle. Apply to liberally to your skin and rub until it has been absorbed.
The Jojoba plant was an important and necessary discovery. Its amazing properties help people all over the world look better, feel better about themselves and helps people who suffer from disabilitating skin conditions. If you purchase it, look for organically grown Jojoba oil and make sure it is pressed and not chemically extracted.

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Narcissists And Women

menlody — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:55:23 +0000

Question: Do narcissists hate women?
Answer: Narcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate and they regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their source of secondary supply.
Moreover, many narcissists tend to engage in FRUSTRATING behaviours towards women. They will refrain from having sex with them, tease them and then leave them, resist flirtatious and seductive behaviours and so on. Often, they will invoke the existence of a girlfriend/fiancee/spouse (or boyfriend/etc. - male and female are interchangeable in my texts) as the andquot;reasonandquot; why they cannot have sex/develop a relationship. But this is not out of loyalty and fidelity in the empathic and loving sense. This is because they wish (and often succeed) to sadistically frustrate the interested party.
BUT
This pertains ONLY to cerebral narcissists. NOT to somatic narcissists and HPDs (Histrionic Personality Disorder) who use their BODY, sex and seduction/flirtation to extract narcissistic supply from others.
Narcissists are misogynists. They team up with women as mere sources of SNS (secondary narcissistic supply). The woman’s chores are to accumulate past NS and release it in an orderly manner, so as to regulate the fluctuating flow of primary supply. Otherwise, cerebral narcissists are not interested in women. Most of them (myself included) are asexual (engage in sexual acts very rarely, if at all). They hold women in contempt and abhor the thought of being really intimate with them. Usually, they choose submissive women, well below their level, to perform these functions. This leads to a vicious cycle of neediness, self-contempt (how come I need this inferior woman) and contempt directed at the woman. Hence the abuse. When primary NS is available - the woman is hardly tolerated, as one would reluctantly pay the premium of an insurance policy in good times.
The narcissist does regard the andquot;subjugationandquot; of an attractive woman to be a source of narcissistic supply.
It is a status symbol, proof of virility and masculinity and it allows him to engage in andquot;vicariousandquot; narcissistic behaviours (=being a narcissist through others, transforming others into tools at the service of his narcissism, into his extensions). This is done by employing defence mechanisms such as projective identification. Many of my FAQs and the essay are dedicated to these issues (see: andquot;Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisitedandquot;).
To re-iterate, Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) is ANY kind of NS provided by others who are not andquot;meaningfulandquot; or andquot;significantandquot; others. Adulation, attention, affirmation, fame, notoriety, sexual conquests - are all forms of NS.
Secondary NS is afforded by people who are in CONSTANT, repetitive or continuous touch with the narcissist. It includes the important roles of narcissistic accumulation and narcissistic regulation, among others. (See the essay in andquot;Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisitedandquot; for more).
The narcissist believes that being in love IS going through the motions and pretending to some degree. To him, emotions are mimicry and pretence.
He says: andquot;I am a conscious misogynist. I fear and loathe women and tend to ignore them to the best of my ability. To me they are a mixture of hunter and parasite.andquot;
Most male Narcissists are misogynists. After all, they are the warped creation of a woman. A woman gave birth to them and moulded them into what they are: dysfunctional, maladaptive, emotionally dead. They are angry at this woman and, by implication, mad at all women.
The narcissist’s attitude to women is, naturally, complex and multi-layered but it can be rather amply summarized using four axes:
1. The Holy Whore
2. The Hunter Parasite
3. The Frustrating Object of Desire
4. Uniqueness roles
The narcissist divides all women to saints on the one hand and to whores on the other. He finds it difficult to have sex (andquot;dirtyandquot;, andquot;forbiddenandquot;, andquot;punishableandquot;, andquot;degradingandquot;) with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are opposite rather than mutually expressive propositions. Sex is reserved to the andquot;whoresandquot; (all other women in the world). This division provides for a resolution of his constant cognitive dissonance (andquot;I want her but…andquot;, andquot;I don’t need anyone but…andquot;). It also legitimizes his sadistic urges (abstaining from sex is a major and recurrent narcissistic andquot;penaltyandquot; inflicted on female andquot;transgressorsandquot;). It also tallies well with the frequent idealization-devaluation cycles the narcissist goes through. The idealized females are sexless, the devalued ones - andquot;worthyandquot; of their degradation (sex) and the contempt that, inevitably, follows thereafter.
The narcissist believes firmly that women are out to andquot;huntandquot; men and that this is almost a genetic predisposition embedded in their chromosomes. As a result, he feels threatened (as any prey would). This, of course, is an intellectualization of the real, absolutely opposite, state of things: the narcissist feels threatened by women and tries to justify this irrational fear by imbuing women with andquot;objectiveandquot; qualities which make them, indeed, ominous. This is a small detail in a larger canvass of andquot;pathologizingandquot; others as a means of controlling them. Once the prey is secured - the woman assumes the role of a andquot;body snatcherandquot;. She absconds with the narcissist’s sperm, she generates an endless stream of demanding and nose dripping children, she financially bleeds the men in her life to cater to her needs and to the needs of her dependants. Put differently, she is a parasite, a leech, whose sole function is to suck dry every man she finds and Tarantula-like decapitate them once no longer useful. This, of course, is exactly what the narcissist does to people. Thus, his view of women is a projection.
Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does (even more so due to the special symbolic nature of the woman in the narcissist’s life - humbling a woman in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex is a way of getting back at mother). But he is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with them, by their apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration (real or attributed) and by their sexuality. Their incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by him as a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer. The narcissist also despises and derides sex, as we said before. Thus, caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex, in approach-avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of his frustration. Some of them set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease (passively or actively), or they pretend to be asexual and, in any case, they turn down, rather cruelly, any attempt by a woman to court them and to get closer.
Sadistically, they tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions and sexual wishes of women. It endows them with a feeling of omnipotence and with the pleasing realization of malevolence. Narcissists are regularly engaged in frustrating all women sexually - and in frustrating significant women in their lives both sexually and emotionally. Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects: use and discard. The emotional background is identical. While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention - the somatic narcissist penalizes through excess.
The narcissist’s mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special (to her). The narcissist’s whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove her wrong. The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others in his life that he IS special - in other words, that he IS. Women threaten this. Sex is andquot;bestialandquot; and andquot;commonandquot;. There is nothing andquot;special or uniqueandquot; about sex. Women are perceived by the narcissist to be dragging him to their level, the level of the lowest common denominator of intimacy, sex and human emotions. Everybody and anybody can feel, fuck and breed. There is nothing to set the narcissist apart and above others in these activities. And yet women seem to be interested ONLY in these pursuits. Thus, the narcissist emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his mother by other means and in different guises.
The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse. Granted, most narcissists learn how to suppress, disguise, even repress these untoward feelings. But their hatred does swing out of control and erupt from time to time. It is a terrifying, paralysing sight. It is the true narcissist.

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